Today, I’m taking a slightly different approach to writing posts. This time I chose to run a quick ‘soul prompt’ taken from one of the many magical pages of Danielle Laporte’s Desire Map Planner (Weekly Edition).
This week I’ve learnt:
- That there is strength in accepting your weaknesses.
- That I had been wasting time because I was unmotivated and unhappy and maybe vice versa?
- That in life, you just really need ONE person to listen to you. One person makes all the difference.
I’ve been feeling quite frustrated and ‘defeated’ in the course of transitioning from my old 9-5 work…and life, really, to this free, ‘Im empowered enough to choose what I do today’ kind of life. Funny, huh? It’s not the freedom that scares me though, it’s the fear of failing, of having left my safe zone and risk it all to enter an industry I had no clue about (except for my aimless hours creating pretty wedding Pinterest boards). I did get into this with a faint idea that it would be difficult, but never this much. It is a lot of work. I went from binge watching Netflix shows, to using every chance I have throughout the day to educate myself- entrepreneurship podcasts, Jenna Kutcher modules, reading about becoming a decent Instagram caption writer and in my little free time before falling asleep, I read ‘The Four Hour Work-Week’ by the brilliant Timothy Ferriss in an attempt to wrap my mind around the lifestyle I’m trying to achieve, which is one in which my work has purpose, I work smarter and not harder and I have freedom of mobility, and obviously the capital to do so.
What’s the small stuff I have noticed that I truly LOVE paying attention to?
- The way the afternoon breeze hits my face (hadn’t payed attention to that in years).
- The smell of morning coffee brewed by my ever so innovative, Ian (his coffee machine is broken, yet he always manages to get the job done- one way or another).
- The way Ian knows exactly what kind of hug I need and exactly when to provide it.
- The way habits I disliked are slowly changing and I’m becoming more productive.
What do I need to STOP doing? (freedom is your birthright!)
- Apologising for being who I am.
- Getting frustrated over getting frustrated (hallo, ich bin human, too).
- Paying any attention to negative thoughts.
What I want to CHANGE (Naming it is liberating)
- Drink less alcohol.
- I want to prioritise myself and my projects more.
- I want to learn to TRUST and Let GO.
- Drink more water.
- Learn more German.
What am I GRATEFUL for?
- The opportunity to learn a new trait.
- 5 months of bliss with Sasquito.
- New friends
- MORE SLEEP ❤
I promise you that if you run a soul prompt every morning and night, you will notice how aware you become of what’s important and necessary for you to focus on at the moment, and what is complete mental rubbish. I know you might think I’m going hippie on you, but honestly, I’m just working on my happiness and trying to spread this awareness with you, because why not also share the good things?
Write you soon,
I’ve had to change everything. The way I look at things, the way I beat myself down for every little mistake, my morning rituals, the way I communicate with those around me, the way I try to deal with obstacles…and it’s been HARD FUCKIN WORK, let me tell ya. I haven’t got down at all, but I can promise you I am working harder than ever to become better and better every day. That means as a human, a friend, a writer, an employee, a business owner, a lover.
THIS is why, I’ve changed ‘The Insomnia Sessions’, it no longer represented me. It did, for a long time, a dark period, but not anymore. I’ve found out lately that my resilience really has evolved even beyond what I thought and, I no longer have ‘midnight thoughts’, as much as I have ‘how can I become better at this?’ or ‘how can I solve this problem?’ thoughts. I know rock blue hair and actually dare speak what’s on my mind. I am happier and you might think of this as selfish, but I choose who I surround myself with more carefully, because, trust me friends, who you spend your time with, has a big influence on how you feel.
I’m on a creative, inspirational whirlwind and even though it’s difficult and most nights I feel mentally and emotionally exhausted, I don’t go to bed until I feel I have done something to change my situation.
You’ll be seeing way more of me now,
HI! I’m back, complying with my self-made promise to write at least once a week. Boy, do I have amazing things happening in my life right now!
I finally mustered up the courage to quit my job and follow a new path. Despite of being extremely miserable lately about feeling stuck in a rut, not feeling satisfied or challenged enough, I must say I am grateful I’ve gone through a LOT the past two years working here. I grew a thicker skin, obtained tons of skills I never thought I’d need or wanted, learnt to thrive in less than ideal environments and most importantly, to be patient with myself and trusting of the system.
I am now moving on to an incredibly exciting new adventure which I am sure will push me to become an even better professional. I will be acquiring new knowledge while having fun, I will be challenged and will learn to trust my gut and myself a lot more. I have a ‘fancy’ new title, opportunity and room for growth and HAPPINESS.
I am beyond grateful for my support system- my incredible family, friends, partner and ally- who have encouraged me to be brave and take this leap of faith into the unknown. Their positivity and energy have made me want to step out of my comfort zone and be all that I can be. I have to admit I am a little nervous about this new step, but there have been so many signs that tell me that it will all be just fine.
How absolutely wonderful and random can this life be?
You guys, if you feel like you’re lost, stuck in a hopeless situation or like you have no idea how your life could get any better…just hold on. I know it sounds like such a cliché, but it has been an absolute truth in my life, that once I think there’s no way out, cause all of the doors are closed…somehow magically someone bulldozes a HUGE hole in the roof and that’s how I get out and it is absolutely amazing every. Single. Time.
HOLD on, it will happen.
‘You can’t love someone back to life’
But oh, the times you tried.
I am sorry. I am sorry I am only now apologising, but I didn’t realise until not long ago and it was already pointless to disturb either of our lives with something that has been over for a long time now. I am sorry because I convinced myself that if only I devoted, you, us, more energy then I could make myself happy again…now I know this was the biggest mistake, I only needed to devote more energy to myself.
I’m sorry I was so demanding, I didn’t mean to, I didn’t know- I was so lost and hurt and none of it was your fault and even though I knew that, I’m not sure I always made you see it clearly. Thank you for being a support for long, for not wanting to give up on me, for seeing what I couldn’t see for myself- that I was worthy, beautiful, smart, that I mattered.
I’m sorry you met me at a time when I wasn’t my best version, but I’m grateful you were there and I’m grateful it all went down the way it did, because it forced me to wake up and do something about all that wasn’t right.
Today, I am a new me. I tap into the resilience that has always kept me going and even though every day has its own little struggles, I never want to give up and I find happiness in the little things. I celebrate more. I laugh more. I take care of myself and I love fully, because I love myself first. You would like this me.
I hope you are happy and that you have forgiven me. I have forgiven you.
|Sometimes, the only thing you know for certain is what you don’t want. Yet often, Maria, that’s enough to go on. – The Universe
I received this in my mailbox this morning and I thought, funny, this is exactly what I keep saying: All I know is what I don’t want. My parents don’t seem to think it’s cute, but they’re parents and most times they think their way of viewing things and that the path that they’ve taken for their lives is indeed the only right one. In many ways, I want to take a different path from the one my parents took, and in other ways I want to follow theirs- and that’s what makes me an interesting, determined individual, yet they keep thinking I’ve wandered off too far from what they deem as acceptable. The most frustrating part is, I no longer care that much, I want to do the things that make me happy, in my own time. I’ve spent way too much time trying to be the perfect daughter to them, the one who doesn’t defy them, the one that makes them proud…always craving that acceptance, but lately (I’m using this term loosely, because it has been slowly happening for the past two years, growing steadier and stronger with each day and each decision I make) I’ve been more determined about forging my own path, my own way. This has been extremely difficult because I still live with them, in some ways I still depend on them * especially in the financial aspect- to some extent*. I’m feeling more and more determined to become independent this year.
I just noticed that this post went completely different from what I initially wanted to write about, but that’s great. I’ve been trying to use this blog as a way to find my inner voice again, and it’s working. I knew this was kind of bothering me, but I didn’t know to what extent.
Thank you for reading my messy rants,
Have you ever had so many floating ideas about what you want to do with your life, yet have absolutely no motivation to start pursuing any of it?- maybe motivation isn’t the word…it is literally mental block and stress that takes over you once you start reading a simple ‘steps’ list. bloody hell.
I feel like I’m in my teens again. The only thing I’m 200% sure and happy about is my love life, which is a-ma-zing…but a girl’s got to eat and pursue her dreams of travelling and world domination. Being 25 is so weird. You feel like you’re standing (or crawling) in the middle of a long ass suspension bridge. One side is teenage passions, dreams, attitudes and ideals, and the other side is supposed to be the side you’re walking towards…and that side is scary as hell- it is, savings, smart investments, practical career choices, potentially start building your own family. All of a sudden, you start feeling the magnitude of LIFE. You no longer feel that inclined towards saving the world, because saving yourself is enough work…might be selfish, might be the smartest realisation you will achieve and it will save you a LOT of heartache. Tell you a secret? You can save the world by saving yourself.
Things that were scary seem irrelevant now…just like they might be even scarier now. What is life even? No one knows. I am now so aware of my past naivete as well as the wonderful things that screwed up…like wanting to change people, when they were alright the way they were, it’s just that some puzzle pieces just don’t fit. I am sorry I tried to force things, but I don’t feel guilty- I literally did not know any better. I am now happy I know better than to force anything in my life. Hell, this might be the longest and most abstract rant I’ve ever posted on this blog, but the realest and most loyal to who I am today, 20th of march 2017, at age 25 years, 2 months and 19 days.
I know it’s been quite a while since I was last around this part of town but it feels good to be back home. I’d be lying if I told you I could pinpoint the reason why I stayed away from my blog/journal/home this long, this time – I honestly don’t know whether I was too busy, too scared to open up about all that was going through my head or whether it was that I was too scared to even process everything that was going through my head. Alas, here I am.
I don’t know what to even write about this time…maybe that’s why I’ve been avoiding it, because I didn’t even know what I wanted to write about, I just felt I had to write about something, anything really. I could start by saying I’ve decided where I want to go for my MA degree and I have a clearer idea of which degree I want to pursue, I’ve already set the plan in motion. I’m scared. I’m scared I’m not good enough or that it’ll all fail because I’ve been so lost for the past 2 years. I’m also excited, because I know that it finally feels like I’ve made a good plan, a plan that feels good all round…I know I’m making the right choice for me- not for anyone else.
I’m also stressed about my grandma’s health. I’d go into detail, but I don’t feel ready.
I should probably keep writing but I don’t really feel like I have more to say or at least that I’d want to say.
Thanks for sticking around even though I’m such an absent blogger 🙂
PS: here’s a funny pic of me eating snow in London, circa 2012.