I’ve been going crazy trying to figure out what I want to write and what I want my ‘grown up’ blog to be about. You see, I am twenty-two years old, about to graduate from my Undergraduate program in none other than the amazing London and I feel like the weight of the world is pressing down on me. I feel such an incredible amount of pressure and the most shattering fact is that it mostly comes from myself, my big expectations of what I hoped the future would be like and the paralysing fear of not knowing enough so that I can become someone of use in the ‘real world’- it is all terrifying and can take me to very dark corners of my mind.
Truth is, I’ve never been an organised blogger or a ‘matter of fact’ person, I’m mostly an emotional writer and I think just now that I’m writing to somehow desperately get these awful feelings and thoughts out of my mind, have I come to the realisation that I don’t have to write a certain way or do things like others in order to validate my blog, which is after all my safe space. At the moment I just need to find a way to get these negative thoughts that keep haunting and taunting me out of my mind, I feel I am struggling to find a balance or a clear perspective so urgently that it is eating at me to keep silent.
I’m sure most of the people who are reading this post have had at least one moment in their lives in which they have felt this torn, fighting between the constant dangerously seductive self-bullying thoughts their brains throw at them and that feeling of wanting to feel better, to think differently and re-shape the way they think. I have had this struggle for over six years, of course I’ve had good times as surely as I’ve had dark times, but I recently learnt that I am a bully- I bully myself into thinking so little of my self-worth and my capabilities as well as my self-image, and this influences my life in such a harming way. It obviously affects my relationship with myself and others, it pushes me to think I will never achieve anything of importance, it makes me feel that I don’t deserve others’ love and appreciation and it makes me criticise myself in ways I would never criticise others.
I guess what I’m getting at is, that I’m done trying to turn my blog into something others will accept or validate, I want this to be a safe space for other people to come and share their thoughts, experiences and feelings with me. This is a blog where I will bare my soul naked and share with you all my learning experiences dealing with the biggest bully in my life, while I attempt to de-construct the root of many of the issues that affect me so deeply. I hope this will be as helpful to others as it is to me.