This is a letter for the person who tries the most,
Hi, I write this because I want you to know that I see you and I definitely hear you and I know how hard you try to make my world alright. I hear how you quietly whisper ‘I love you’ even though I don’t answer back, maybe just in the hope that I will somehow remember even in my darkest mood. I know how you try to inform yourself about the facts, symptoms and stories, so that whenever I reach out to you, you have an idea of what to say. Despite whatever I let you think, I feel how happy you get whenever I call you back ready to have that conversation- as if you had been patiently waiting for me to let you in. I see you, I hear you, I feel you, I thank you for not giving up on me, I love you.
I know it is not easy to deal with everything that comes along with my battles, which makes it harder for me to want to share it with you, because I don’t ever want it to get too heavy for you to carry and I guess that is the scary part for you, that I will completely shut you out in order to protect you. The thing is, that it is as complicated and as simple as that. I have been thinking a lot about how it is rather common for us to consume ourselves in our daily routines and focus on our own trials, which might appear as an apathetic reaction to the world and to those who surround us. However we all do it, it is unavoidable. As a person who deals with depression (and is quite recently learning to recognise and accept it) this daily ‘apathy’ becomes really burdensome at times, mainly because one can only recognise it during moments of clarity.
I don’t like to use the word ‘apathy’ in this case, because being apathetic usually means to be aware of the issue and disregarding it or simply not caring. The word I should use is isolation or maybe ignorance. This ignorance does not come from being uneducated or being uninformed, it is simply a direct result of the twisted and blurred perception of ‘reality’ that comes with depression. When I am having a bad day, all I seem to want is to be left alone because I don’t think those who want to help understand- it is like the words are falling out of their mouths as sharp ice stakes instead of warm comforting remarks. It is not that I don’t appreciate the other’s attempt to make it better and to somehow soothe the pain, it is just that I am so shut inside myself and wrapped in my cloud of negative thoughts that I can’t even hold on to the hand that is trying to reach me. It is as if there was literally a restraining force holding me back.
The frustrating part about all of this is that regardless of how much I want to just ‘snap out of it’ and be positive and happy and whatever else it is I’m supposed to be, due to the fact that I am healthy and privileged in a lot of ways, I can’t seem to find the motivation because all I feel is a deep hollow that fills me with doubts and fears and pain and the only things that keep me going is the dimly dancing flame of hope I see from afar, that somehow, someday it will all be fine and this kind of pain will be no more. There’s the hope of a life of purpose for others and the hope of a family life next to you.
Thank you again, because you are an amazing support and I am extremely fortunate to have found such a rare and kind soul on my path. I love you.