I was originally going to write some bullshit post about how great and happy the last month has been, but I took some time to really think if that was really how I felt. To be honest, I can barely describe the complexity of my feelings because I’ve been an expert at just shoving my feelings to the back of my mind and going through the motions with a stupid smile on my face, letting everyone think I am just fine. But I am not fine. I just feel anger.
I am angry. I am angry at the fact that I can’t seem to find a purpose to what I am doing. I am angry that I honestly believe everyone and anyone is and could be better at what I do than I am. I am angry that for years very few individuals have actually taken an honest second to ask how I really feel and show real empathy. I am beyond exhausted and angry at the fact that I can’t believe kind words when directed towards me. I am mad that someone took the ability from me, to trust and be care-free. I am so mad that I can no longer trust myself or believe in my skills enough to even send out job applications.
I am angry that I feel completely and utterly alone with my anger because I don’t want to push away the only few people I do have around me, because if I lose them, then I will lose that sense of connection I need as a human being.