Curiously enough, at the beginning of Lent, my mum told me that she had a feeling that this would be a painful but transformative Lent period for me. Now, those of you who know me, know I am not very religious (at least not anymore, or maybe even not yet) so I shrugged it off and said ‘gee, thanks lady’, to what she replied ‘but just like Jesus, at the end you will rise triumphantly’. I honestly didn’t give it too much thought until a few weeks later when I found myself in a turmoil of pain and thought ‘that witch’ (no, she’s not a witch, but women in my family have a wacked out intuition, myself included).
And just like that, Lent kept passing and instead of starting to go to church again, I kept drowning my sorrows in alcohol and parties and other worldly pleasures. It wasn’t until one particular day, in which, I was feeling particularly low that a quote came to my mind: ‘God, thy will is hard, but you hold every card’. This didn’t come out of anywhere…this is the very same line that had stuck out to me 8 years ago when I played Mary Magdalene in my school’s production of ‘Jesus Christ Superstar’. I barely ever remember ‘Gethsemane’ (the song in JCS, where the line comes from), but in that moment, I felt like I needed to listen to it over and over and every time I listened to it, it would all make more sense.
You see, my reasoning before this Lent was that during Gethsemane (the song and the bible) Jesus was angry at God Father, for allowing this horrible fate to happen to him. It made sense to me, ‘why would God send his only son to die a horrible death for a bunch of ungrateful fcks?’, but during this Lent, I began to see it under a new light. The words in the song rang true to me, they stuck to my mind day and night and I would find comfort in them. Jesus, more than angry, was simply scared. Gethsemane is where Jesus shows his most human side. He is scared, sad and desperate. He doubts.
‘I have changed I’m not as sure
As when we started
Then I was inspired
Now I’m sad and tired
Listen surely I’ve exceeded
Tried for three years
Seems like thirty
Could you ask as much
From any other man? ‘
Never had I ever felt closer to God or the idea of the Passion than when I grasped that notion. He was human, he also felt scared, he also asked for a change of plans, he also fought and complained and resisted, until he could no more, until he relinquished to the master plan, trusting he would rise and that it would not have been in vane. It put things into perspective ‘if Jesus, God’s son, had to go through hell before he saw glory, then who am I?’ I know it’s all sounding like a religious rant by now, but I promise it’s not…I just think it’s all beautifully cruel, just like life is most times. Now that Lent is over and Jesus has risen and now we’re promised a happy bunnyfilled-gluttonyforchocolateisallowed time, if we follow my whole religious rant’s logic (which, it is NOT) I feel like we are also meant to rise with a sense of renewed hope and strength- always with the understanding that somewhere out there, there IS a plan for your life, but sometimes you just gotta let ‘God’ hold the cards. Plus, the guy obviously likes us if he was willing to send his only son to die for us, even if he knew we were always just going to be ungrateful- I think we owe him a little trust haha.
Happy Easter, bunnies,