Love Purgatory

So, this is the kind of post I should completely restrain from writing, the kind of text your friends would take your phone away for during a drunken stupor, the kind of thing that is better left unsaid, the whisper that leaves you blushing red for days, the main point on the ‘Do-not-do-this-after-a-breakup-list’, but I’ve never followed to do lists or done what other people expect me to do- you could say I’m a wild one and I simply cannot be tamed by societal rules (maybe if I could then I would do better).

I really hope this is the one text that escapes a certain someone, the one that gets lost in translation, because I gotta let this all out if I’m ever going to do some work today. Over the past few days I’ve had dreams of fantastic adventures, in which he is the main actor, I’ve had endless thoughts, my unconscious mind and my conscious mind are in a constant battle -‘you’re feeling like shit, do something about it/ Are you insane, he’s probably sleeping with other people by now, you’re an idiot/ I refuse to believe that, he said he’d do it differently this time/ No, you’re stupid’ – you could say I’m losing it a bit.

I recently read an amazing article on Elite Daily, titled ‘The Absolute Tragedy of Meeting the Love of Your Life at the Wrong Time’ by Lauren Skirvin. While reading this article, I found myself crying, smiling and feeling an immense angst inside my chest (you know which one, the little annoying hollow feeling right in the middle of your chest), it was like someone else had gone through my brain and written down how I was thinking and processing everything.

And then, you are thrust into what I like to call “love purgatory.”

It’s a place where you know who the love of your life is, but you aren’t currently together.

Maybe you dated briefly, maybe you had a full-fledged relationship or maybe, you have never been officially together.

The connection with this person is so real and strong and magnetic that you are constantly pulled back. The relationship hasn’t reached its potential yet, so it can’t be over.

In fact, this might be the person you end up with. But, you aren’t together now because of timing, schedules, missed opportunities or blah, blah, blah.

So, you sit in love purgatory, just biding your time until you can both find each other again.

The problem is, what if I’m the only one feeling like this, what if it becomes increasingly easy for the other person to just forget how his name sounds when I say it, or my smell or the way I laugh at his annoying jokes or the taste of my lips? What if I’m stuck in that love purgatory alone waiting for someone who barely ever thinks of me?

I will probably regret writing all this- man, I already do…but I’m learning to do what feels right to me and this just had to be written and gotten out of my head. I am a hopeful person, I believe in the good of people even when they let me down, despite my negative thoughts, I choose to be optimistic, so I just sit in love purgatory hoping one day we’ll be ready and we find each other again, but for now, it hurts like hell every time I must tell my heart to have courage while I’m convincing myself that I was special and different to him.

Please feel free to comment and share your experiences with me.

-M.

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