Yesterday I spent the whole day feeling restless, anxious and I felt a inexplicable sadness deep within my soul. As soon as I got home for my lunch break, I locked myself in my room and broke down. I hadn’t felt this kind of despair in quite a while, it was the kind of despair that becomes so familiar when you loose someone you care about deeply…it was way too familiar for my liking, since I have experienced ‘loss’ in one form or another everyday this year, yet this was different because, I couldn’t really attach it to anything in particular.
By the time I got back to work, with a red and puffy face from so much crying, a casual acquaintance texted me and asked me about what happened to ‘Sam’ (Alias), I became really confused and asked him the same question he had asked me while a tight knot started forming in the pit of my fragile stomach. ‘Sam’ had died in an accident late the night before.
All of a sudden, it all made sense- the restlessness, the deep angst…It was all my intuition letting me know that something was inherently wrong with the order of things- yet again. ‘Sam’ and I went to school together, he tutored my youngest brother and shared football tips with him, he was a kind and loving soul, hardworking and ambitious, he was 23, he was dead.
They say everything happens for a reason and that God’s plan is perfect…to me, it makes no sense and it seems cruel that such a young life is now over…but what I keep thinking about is, his mother, his sister, his dad- what would be worse? To think that this was an absolutely random freak accident and that their beloved son is now gone for no reason or that there is a purpose to everything and that God had another plan for him, for them? I don’t even know.
I guess I have many more questions…is there a greater plan? Do we really feel when something that we don’t know about yet is happening or will happen? Why do we waste so much time complaining or making ourselves miserable? Why do we never tell people what we have to before it’s too late- even though we know for a fact any random tuesday they could be gone?
May he rest in peace and may his family find relief somehow,