Hello,

Sometimes, the only thing you know for certain is what you don’t want. Yet often, Maria, that’s enough to go on. – The Universe

I received this in my mailbox this morning and I thought, funny, this is exactly what I keep saying: All I know is what I don’t want. My parents don’t seem to think it’s cute, but they’re parents and most times they think their way of viewing things and that the path that they’ve taken for their lives is indeed the only right one. In many ways, I want to take a different path from the one my parents took, and in other ways I want to follow theirs- and that’s what makes me an interesting, determined individual, yet they keep thinking I’ve wandered off too far from what they deem as acceptable. The most frustrating part is, I no longer care that much, I want to do the things that make me happy, in my own time. I’ve spent way too much time trying to be the perfect daughter to them, the one who doesn’t defy them, the one that makes them proud…always craving that acceptance, but lately (I’m using this term loosely, because it has been slowly happening for the past two years, growing steadier and stronger with each day and each decision I make) I’ve been more determined about forging my own path, my own way. This has been extremely difficult because I still live with them, in some ways I still depend on them * especially in the financial aspect- to some extent*.  I’m feeling more and more determined to become independent this year.

I just noticed that this post went completely different from what I initially wanted to write about, but that’s great. I’ve been trying to use this blog as a way to find my inner voice again, and it’s working. I knew this was kind of bothering me, but I didn’t know to what extent.

Thank you for reading my messy rants,

-M

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Today.

Have you ever had so many floating ideas about what you want to do with your life, yet have absolutely no motivation to start pursuing any of it?- maybe motivation isn’t the word…it is literally mental block and stress that takes over you once you start reading a simple ‘steps’ list. bloody hell.

I feel like I’m in my teens again. The only thing I’m 200% sure and happy about is my love life, which is a-ma-zing…but a girl’s got to eat and pursue her dreams of travelling and world domination. Being 25 is so weird. You feel like you’re standing (or crawling) in the middle of a long ass suspension bridge. One side is teenage passions, dreams, attitudes and ideals, and the other side is supposed to be the side you’re walking towards…and that side is scary as hell- it is, savings, smart investments, practical career choices, potentially start building your own family. All of a sudden, you start feeling the magnitude of LIFE. You no longer feel that inclined towards saving the world, because saving yourself is enough work…might be selfish, might be the smartest realisation you will achieve and it will save you a LOT of heartache. Tell you a secret? You can save the world by saving yourself.

Things that were scary seem irrelevant now…just like they might be even scarier now. What is life even? No one knows. I am now so aware of my past naivete as well as the wonderful things that screwed up…like wanting to change people, when they were alright the way they were, it’s just that some puzzle pieces just don’t fit. I am sorry I tried to force things, but I don’t feel guilty- I literally did not know any better. I am now happy I know better than to force anything in my life. Hell, this might be the longest and most abstract rant I’ve ever posted on this blog, but the realest and most loyal to who I am today, 20th of march 2017, at age 25 years, 2 months and 19 days.

Unapologetically,

-M 15824224_10155053716699835_1448163868_o