I’ve had to change everything. The way I look at things, the way I beat myself down for every little mistake, my morning rituals, the way I communicate with those around me, the way I try to deal with obstacles…and it’s been HARD FUCKIN WORK, let me tell ya. I haven’t got down at all, but I can promise you I am working harder than ever to become better and better every day. That means as a human, a friend, a writer, an employee, a business owner, a lover.
THIS is why, I’ve changed ‘The Insomnia Sessions’, it no longer represented me. It did, for a long time, a dark period, but not anymore. I’ve found out lately that my resilience really has evolved even beyond what I thought and, I no longer have ‘midnight thoughts’, as much as I have ‘how can I become better at this?’ or ‘how can I solve this problem?’ thoughts. I know rock blue hair and actually dare speak what’s on my mind. I am happier and you might think of this as selfish, but I choose who I surround myself with more carefully, because, trust me friends, who you spend your time with, has a big influence on how you feel.
I’m on a creative, inspirational whirlwind and even though it’s difficult and most nights I feel mentally and emotionally exhausted, I don’t go to bed until I feel I have done something to change my situation.
You’ll be seeing way more of me now,
Have you ever had so many floating ideas about what you want to do with your life, yet have absolutely no motivation to start pursuing any of it?- maybe motivation isn’t the word…it is literally mental block and stress that takes over you once you start reading a simple ‘steps’ list. bloody hell.
I feel like I’m in my teens again. The only thing I’m 200% sure and happy about is my love life, which is a-ma-zing…but a girl’s got to eat and pursue her dreams of travelling and world domination. Being 25 is so weird. You feel like you’re standing (or crawling) in the middle of a long ass suspension bridge. One side is teenage passions, dreams, attitudes and ideals, and the other side is supposed to be the side you’re walking towards…and that side is scary as hell- it is, savings, smart investments, practical career choices, potentially start building your own family. All of a sudden, you start feeling the magnitude of LIFE. You no longer feel that inclined towards saving the world, because saving yourself is enough work…might be selfish, might be the smartest realisation you will achieve and it will save you a LOT of heartache. Tell you a secret? You can save the world by saving yourself.
Things that were scary seem irrelevant now…just like they might be even scarier now. What is life even? No one knows. I am now so aware of my past naivete as well as the wonderful things that screwed up…like wanting to change people, when they were alright the way they were, it’s just that some puzzle pieces just don’t fit. I am sorry I tried to force things, but I don’t feel guilty- I literally did not know any better. I am now happy I know better than to force anything in my life. Hell, this might be the longest and most abstract rant I’ve ever posted on this blog, but the realest and most loyal to who I am today, 20th of march 2017, at age 25 years, 2 months and 19 days.
And repeat after me…
Good girls go to heaven,
And bad girls go everywhere
And tonight I will love you
And tomorrow you won’t care
Precious little diamond
I leave it all to you
Precious little diamond
Let it come to you
You’re in love with something bigger than love
You believe in something stronger than trust